Hello beautiful friends and family!
I originally wanted to keep my current situation a private matter until today. Monday morning I am going in for surgery. Truth be told, I found another mass, in the same breast as my first diagnosis, this past Friday before Easter. I found it while relaxing on the couch watching a movie with my husband. We were watching “Wolf of Wall Street” and, might I add, at a really funny part. I lifted my arms over my head, touched the side of my breast (I am not sure what made me do that) and there it was. A small pea sized, somewhat bean shaped, lump. There is a lot of detail in between that one day until now, I will write more about it at another time, but I really wanted to focus in on today.
My last few weeks have been hell, as you can imagine. But, can you really? With this news I traveled to the Bahamas with my beautiful family and tons of close friends, but the only thing on my mind was that lump and my uncertain future. I kept a smile on my face in front of everyone and cried in private (you may have noticed my puffy face in most of the pictures). I am getting surgery today to remove the lump and have it biopsied. My minds rational side keeps repeating that the odds of it being cancerous are very low, it truly is, but I quickly revert back to thoughts of the worst kind…..recalling the first round. As comforting as the statistics should be to me, I still have spent the last couple of weeks in complete anxiety, fear, and stress. I was swept right back into the agony one faces when they could possibly face death. As I usually do in times of stress, I shut most of the world out, focus in on my family, and pray to God, a lot. Then, something happened Sunday afternoon. Something I want to share with all of you. As I sat in Sunday Mass, I felt a sense of overwhelming peace. I was in a heavenly place, free of sin, fear and full faith. My faith in God and my physical presence in Church gave me a sense of peacefulness. It is all going to be fine, regardless what the outcome. I am physically strong and through my spiritual faith, I am mentally strong. I have turned to God and put my trust into Him instead of shunning Him away. I embrace my faith instead of saying “why me”, trust me, that went through my mind more than once in the past several weeks.
The reason for my message is simple in this world there is so much confusion, sadness, and anger; however if we look to our faith He will be by your side, you are never alone. If you have faith, no matter what religion you may follow, you we will have peace. I know it is hard to believe in something that we cannot see, touch, or understand, but you can feel Him in all the beautiful moments that life has to offer. I write this to you to just to share my understanding, my passions and thoughts about this world and the suffering that takes place here. Hell is real, evil is real, it is amongst us all, but human suffering is not evil it is part of the cycle of life and the faith that derives from that suffering is our catalyst to a higher purpose, to a higher a meaning than us all. We become closer to God.
I am in the best physical condition of my life, lifting weights and I sometimes feel like supermom, but today I stand before you all, frightened. I am not ashamed or afraid to admit it, but what I can say to you all is I have peace. God willing, I can put this all behind me and simply be mom again, however in the meantime I will continue to strengthen my faith and show my love to all. I am armed with today’s Sacraments, I was anointment by my Priest, and have my “Catholic bag” ready to go (LOL). I am ready!!! I am ready for it all!!!!
Peace, I leave to you and thanks be to God. God bless.
We are all one,