Thanks for all the letters and books guys; if I haven't replied to you, I apologize, the jail has been out of stamps for two weeks, don't ask me how/why. Today is Halloween, it's kind of depressing, I had a good Halloween and Thanksgiving last year, I wish I could rewind time. What a useless waste of time/ energy it is playing the "if only I could rewind time..." game, right? Very hard to resist playing it though, especially when you're locked in a box with no distractions. I get pissed off at myself every time I do it, ugh. I gave myself a haircut last night, not gonna quit my day job, but it turned out pretty decent. It's actually my second one since I've been here, my hair grows like crazy and they don't allow us guys in "the hole" to get haircuts from the jail barber, again, don't ask me why. They also don't let us, back here, attend anger management classes or substance abuse classes, none of that. Makes a lot of sense, right? Shit, they even make us wear shackles in the shower! Lol. I rarely come out of my cell though, we're allowed out 1hr/day M-F to shower, use the phone, or the just wander the tier and talk to other guys at their cell doors, but it always seems to be at an inconvenient time. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "wtf are you busy doing?" But, I sleep 12hrs/day, so if I'm asked for free time then, I always refuse. I'm pretty sure the guards have realized this and purposely ask me if I want my hour when I'm asleep, so they can work their way though the free time list faster. And I never complain, so I guess they assume that I don't care, and I guess I don't. Other guys will get in trouble for some lil old dumb shit and the guard will take their hour of free time and they flip out, I dunno, I guess living life in a bubble is easier for me than for others. I wish they'd let me trade/sell my free time to other inmates, they did in San Diego. I remember not coming out for weeks one time, lol, just kept selling my hour for snacks, envelopes, heroin, w/e...lol jk, about the heroin part. I may have traded a couple hours for pain pills though :p it's like in them old war movies, where the guy never responds to any of his loved ones letters, because, "in order to survive here, I can't think about home, that world can't exist for me." I never understood that, until I came to jail, now it makes perfect sense. Last time that I had to do a year here, I think I used the phone 5 times total, even getting visits kinda sucks. It's like, yeah, it's great to see people and talk to them, but then you get locked back in your cage, and it all come crashing down. Being happy/content is, perhaps, relative, just a comparison to another time. For example, my extradition from California to Nevada was fucking miserable, horrible really. They had 12 men and 1 woman crammed into the back of a jury-rigged "transport van", shackled. You have to picture it accurately, I'm talking, thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder and knee to knee with somebody facing you...CRAMMED. We took a circuitous route, stopping every 6 hours at a new jail, to either drop someone off, pick someone up, or try to use the restroom. Yes, TRY, because not every jail would allow us in. If you had to piss, or shit, at anytime along the way you had to do so in empty bottles or empty food bags, even the girl! My trip took just shy of 3 days, the girl's trip was planned for 12! Don't believe me? Don't care, fuck you. Extradition companies are privately owned, non-government, and apparently there are ZERO regulations, none being followed at least. Anyway, it was so miserable, that I swear to God, I almost cried a couple of times. Serious discomfort, anger, sleep depravation, etc., but, even in the midst of all the suffering, there was a short period of bliss. Bliss, I tell you, lost in a moment of camaraderie and magic, and I'll never forget it. We were all there, heads hung low, suffering in the dark, when this Mexican kid from San Fernando Valley, his name was Bouncer, asked if we wanted to hear a song that he wrote. It was in Spanish, and 90% of us couldn't understand it, but it was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. For the 3 minutes it took to sing, it was as if all of our spirits had united into one, I felt more content than any other time I could recall, it was like a glimpse into heaven. I know it may sound weird, and maybe I'm not describing it well enough, but there was magic in that van, even if just for a few minutes. Anyway, I lost course, and didn't even explain what I first meant to explain, about happiness being relative...GRR. It's like, some days I'm real content in my cell; they served a decent meal at chow, I have a good book to read, I have a little snack, I'm "happy." In that instant, I'm happier than many a times where I've been FREE, with a wallet full of money and a tank full of gas. But, if I teleported my bored, unsatisfied, free self into the "happy" day in jail, I wouldn't be happy at all! Same goes for the opposite. Teleport me to a "boring" day in the free world and it'd be like Disneyland! This all goes back to phone calls/visits while being in jail. You're content, you're "jail happy", then you get a visit/call and you're reminded of "free happy", and now you're depressed. See, you can find contentment in any shit circumstance, you just can't mix the two. I hope I made sense/ didn't confuse anyone! Lol, I think you'll get it. Speaking of "jail happy", 24hrs until STORE NIGHT! :)


05:37 AM - 9 Nov 14 via Twishort for iOS

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